30 Days of Truth & Day One.

So here are the prompts for the next 30 days:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day One: Something You Hate About Yourself.

I’ve come back and forth to this text entry box about half a dozen times since Monday and I have just sat here staring at the blinking cursor trying to decide what to say. I didn’t know what to say. I’ve truthfully spent a lot of time and effort into learning how to love myself. I admit that I’m afraid to zero my focus on anything because I would take a long time to blur the line back out. There are certainly changes I wish to make but I wouldn’t necessarily say I hate anything about myself.

It’s taken me a very long time to reach this frame of mind, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s relieving and difficult all at the same time. I learned a long time ago that happiness is something you have to pursue, to fight for, to grab for and hold on tight. You have to make the conscious effort to be happy. It’s easy to surrender. It’s easy to give in. Some days I want to give in more than anything. I want to let the flood of everything wash over me and take me away. But I don’t. I try to take my delight in as small doses as may be necessary. I suppose it’s a “count your blessings” sort of attitude to take which I used to find dreadfully annoying and I’m quite certain some of you may be rolling your eyes as you read this. But I’ve learned that in order to really have happiness in my life, I have to assert myself and steal myself from the jumping off point of melancholy.

And it’s to that end that I’ve come to realize in order for my own emotional health and sanity, I very rarely put myself out there. Which is why this meme will prove to be somewhat of a challenge for me. I take it back, if there were to be one thing I dislike about myself (I don’t want to use the word hate), it is that I feel socially unfulfilled in my offline life and yet I still don’t feel motivated to put myself out there. I’ve spent so much time learning how to like myself, I’ve actually become even more afraid of rejection. And I don’t like that. I think it’s a huge punchline. When I was a teen and I was struggling with depression and rejection from both my peers and on the home front, I found my attitude to be so much more blase. I don’t know if it was due to facing rejection from the second I opened my eyes in the morning til the moment I closed them at night, but all the while, it was okay because I was rejecting myself too. Now that I’ve come to terms with who I am and have learned to love myself, I feel unprepared to handle the possibility that anyone new who may come into my life could reject me. I’m actually afraid it would tear me apart. And that’s what I don’t like. I don’t like that I’m afraid.

This was kind of a stream of consciousness entry and I realize it’s all over the place but that was pretty much the only way I was ever gonna get this done.


One Response to “30 Days of Truth & Day One.”

  1. Chibi Jeebs Says:

    “…happiness is something you have to pursue, to fight for, to grab for and hold on tight. You have to make the conscious effort to be happy.”

    I need to be reminded of this far more often than I care to admit.

    I feel you on the not putting yourself out there thing. We moved around a lot when I was a kid (9 schools in 13 years), so it’s always been hard for me to make friends – honestly, I’d probably claim I don’t know *how* to make friends. And while my online friends are a life saver, sometimes I worry that they’re TOO good and may keep me from making more of an effort outside of the computer… :-s

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