The past 12 days have been a complete blur. After spending 4 days in the hospital, I feel like I’m 4 days behind on my own life. (which means today would be friday. Awesome.) And I guess that feeling is a little hard to describe. It’s not like my 4 days in hospital were unproductive. I brought my beautiful baby girl into the world and I’m head over heels for her. I don’t know how you can love someone you just met so much, but you can. I worked on recovering from the c-section, had visitors, started walking again. I hated being stuck in bed but all in all my hospital stay was the complete polar opposite of my experience with James.
Since coming home, I’ve been working on getting myself back to normal. It’s going to take longer for some things than for other. For example, getting back to my pre-pregnancy shape. I believe I’m sentenced to a holiday season in stretch pants. wah wah. I’ll have to resist the temptation to succumb to the holiday eats i’ll inevitably be surrounded by. I digress. I still have a pile of thank you cards for my baby shower that are unmailed. I have dozens of emails that I need to return. I probably have a few important phone calls I’ve forgotten to make. My concept of time has been completely disrupted. I can’t completely blame this on my hospital stay. I’ve been doing my best to adjust to being a mother of two. Juggling a 3 year old and a newborn so far hasn’t been as difficult as i expected but my physical state over the next month or so will prove to be an obstacle.
I have my good days and my bad days. Today has been kind of a bad day so far. I feel like the interrupted sleep and the various other postpartum processes may have caught up with me. But I take pleasure in the small things. My kids napping at the same time means i get some Me Time that doesn’t occur in the wee hours of the morning. Curling up with Lucinda in the recliner and nodding off for 5 minutes. Having tickle fights with James. Cuddling up with my husband in the middle of the night when Lucinda goes back to sleep. Being able to sleep on my stomach. Every day I inch closer to feeling like myself again and less like a science project.
And one day I will wake up and I will recognize myself in the mirror again. But for now, I think I’ll be fine being a big zero.