It’s not my fault I’m a total bitch, really.

So since I’ve been in preparation for becoming a mother of two (re: knocked up), it’s been brought to my attention (more than once) that I’ve been too unreasonable to even speak to. Apparently I’ve been flying off the handle over stuff that doesn’t even deserve a minute amount of irritability.

It’s like I’m in that Adam Sandler movie (that I didn’t see) Anger Management. Except here’s the thing, I know I’m being a butt. I know I’m being completely irrational and moody and unpredictable and flighty. Does that mean I can do something about it? Unfortunately no. And here’s why.

I’m freaking pregnant.

I can’t take mood stabilizers.

I am required to cut back on my caffeine intake.

I can’t sleep at night.
(and when I do sleep, I have weird dreams about sushi and my husband trying to kill someone with an exacto blade…true story)

So even though I know I’m being a total bitch, there is shit all I can do about it. Except eat chocolate and ice cream. And french fries. And nachos. and that works temporarily, or at least until the gas sets in. By then, the feel-good vibes tend to wear off.

The thing is, if I try to hold in my bitchiness and mood swings, it just makes it even worse. It makes me more likely to blow up over some completely insignificant thing.

For example. Which seems more unreasonable to you?

Me: I would like a medium iced vanilla latte please.
barista: Would you like decaf?
Me: ….No *rolls eyes when barista’s back is turned*


me: I would like a medium iced vanilla latte please.
me: OMFG STOP ASKING ME THAT *breaks glass and throws chairs around*

You don’t want that shit happening, I promise.

As tacky as you may think it is to blame the baby, I’m totally playing that card here. And let me tell you why. Because come October, I’ll be on maternity leave and you won’t have to deal with me AT ALL for three months (unless you know me online then HELLO ASHLEIGH OVERLOAD). Not only that, but if this baby is half as cute as James, peanut will be able to get away with things Dexter Morgan could only dream of.

Speaking of Dexter, I’m totally having Dexter and Rita related nightmares. Still. I think this is a problem.

I digress.

The point here is that I know that I’m being completely unreasonable from time to time but sometimes I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR TOLERANCE LEVEL IS FOR UNREASONABLE PREGNANT LADIES! It really is okay to say to me “Uh, Ashleigh. Calm down. It’s her job to ask you if you want decaf. She wasn’t calling you a bad mom.” It really is okay to tell me “Ashleigh, stop crying. I’ll answer the phone for once.” It’s even more okay to tell me “Ashleigh I totally understand that you can do very little to control how you’re feeling now, but I’d like to help by giving you chocolate/a massage/a day off.” But please, don’t try to get into a bitch fight with a pregnant lady. Especially when there are chairs around.

I think I was trying to go for laughs here, but the saddest part is that most of this is completely serious.

But I wouldn’t actually throw a chair at anybody. My back hurts too much.

What are some natural ways you try to de-stress? Clearly I could use some advice here 🙂


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4 Responses to “It’s not my fault I’m a total bitch, really.”

  1. angi Says:

    I just love you. Oh and I suck at not being a bitch…wish I had a baby to blame.

  2. twistedrocket Says:

    😦 I’m sorry things are going that way. BUT, unlike the 95% of bitches in the world, you have something you can blame it on 🙂

  3. Alexandra Says:

    You have every right to be acting as you are, damn it!! to de-stress, get a back massage, take a bath, get a pedicure and eat lots of chocolate !

  4. Stacy Says:

    I heart you so much. You can get mad at me.

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