I’ve recently been doing some reflecting on my true self and the relationship that connects to my internet persona. In the wake of what we now simply refer to as “the incident”, I’ve been pretty quiet. Mostly I’ve been trapped inside my head. Rewriting, revising, rehashing, repeating. Do you ever walk up a flight of stairs and try to make another step upward and realize a stair step is not there? You fall forward unexpectedly and you hope like hell nobody saw you do it. This is how I have felt the last couple of weeks. Maybe this analogy doesn’t make any sense. It probably doesn’t. My point is, I want to be completely honest and completely up front with you. I am still coping with the aftermath of my teenage years. Most days are good. Some days are bad. On bad days, I feel completely worthless and the self-deprecation is no longer in jest. On bad days I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. On bad days I think James prefers his daddy over me…and that makes me a bad mother. On bad days, Mostly I just feel completely hollow. On bad days I want nothing more than to sink into surrender and let the wave of negativity flood over me until I am soaking wet.
But I mostly have good days.
On good days, I delight in the close relationship my son has with his father and I realize it doesn’t hinder his relationship with me. On good days my self deprecation is completely jovial. On good days I want to get out of bed. On good days I seek out new friendships. On good days, I swim.
I am grateful that by remarkable chance or act of God, I met a wonderful man that would love me wholly. I am grateful for the life we have started together. I am grateful for every evening I crawl into bed and the scent of his skin calms me until I fall asleep. I am grateful for having met all of you. I have found kindred spirits. I have found people that accept me the way I am. I have found people that will be there to catch me when I fall at the top of the stairs. You have all helped me more than you’ll ever know. I’ve addressed some of my issues. I’ve made personal and emotional growth. I’ve even gained the confidence I need to continue this new phase of my life.
For so long while I’ve lived in Texas, away from my family, my friends, my entire life. I’ve bemoaned that outside of Robert’s family and my co-workers, I don’t have any friends. I don’t feel that way any more. I feel so connected to all of you and I can only hope the feeling is mutual. I can’t believe I am lucky enough to know you.
But on bad days…
No one is there at the top of the stairs.