I recently learned that the 17 year old daughter of a friend was pregnant. At first I was speechless. My friend and I kind of looked at each other and the elephant in the room began to trumpet. I told her I was sorry. In retrospect it may have been the wrong thing to say, or rather, the wrong way to say it. My friend was clearly upset by the pregnancy but perhaps it was the wrong thing to say anyhow. We’ve since moved from anger to acceptance, even to excitement. Her daughter is currently enrolled in summer classes so she will be finished school a semester early (the baby is due at the end of November) and she will be able to walk with her class in May. I’m glad they have this worked out. I’m still a little pissed and I know my friend can’t help but blame herself a little no matter how much I told her not to.
We found out today that she is going to have a baby girl. I am over the moon about it. I am anxiously awaiting the chance to help plan things for the baby shower. I am starting to look for pink baby stuff. I am full of ideas about what I want to give her for the baby shower. Heck, I want to GIVE her baby shower. But I cannot afford that.
While we were wandering around Hobby Lobby with a thousand ideas running through my head, I stopped to ponder why I was so excited. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. I mean, My actual sister in law is pregnant and I had completely forgotten about it. Oops. I have a confession to make though. I realized that part of the reason I’m so excited to be involved with her baby shower, is I’m not sure I’ll ever get my baby girl.
My body speaks to me in unwavering volumes. My body is not interested nor is it prepared to carry another child. Time isn’t going to make this better. And I refuse to spend money on various treatments that *might* work when I can put that money toward adopting a child that needs a loving family. But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel a tad selfish for the time being.
So I am celebrating the birth of a friend’s granddaughter. And bittersweet though it might be, I will enjoy every moment of it.
Today is tuesday. I bought purple flowers for Maddie.
Tags: Pity Party